The Danger of Flattery in Restaurants

In *Meditations*, Marcus Aurelius, the Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher, offers a stark warning about flattery: “How rotten is the heart of those who seek to please with words, and how good it is to reject such things outright” (Book 6, Section 16). For restaurant owners and managers, this ancient wisdom is a critical reminder of a modern problem. In the high-pressure world of hospitality, flattery can be a silent killer—undermining teams, eroding standards, and leading to the downfall of even the most promising establishments. At Tired Chef LLC, we’ve seen how flattery can destabilize restaurant teams, and we’re here to share why rejecting it in favor of merit is the only path to building a strong, sustainable business.

 The Flatterer’s Rise: A Recipe for Disaster

Restaurants are built on teamwork, but they’re also a breeding ground for flattery. A server might shower a manager with praise—“You’re the best leader I’ve ever worked for!”—while quietly slacking on their duties. A cook might compliment a chef’s sloppy plating, ignoring obvious flaws, just to stay in their good graces. These flatterers often have one goal: to gain favor, secure promotions, or avoid accountability. And too often, they succeed. Weak managers, new managers, or those with fragile egos are especially vulnerable. They crave validation, and flattery feeds that need. Instead of promoting based on merit—consistency, skill, and dedication—they elevate those who stroke their ego, even if those individuals underperform.

I’ve seen this play out time and again. A flatterer worms their way into a position of power by praising a manager who’s more concerned with feeling good than doing good. Meanwhile, the team members who focus on their work—those who show up early, handle the dinner rush like pros, and keep the operation running smoothly—are left behind. The flatterer might get the promotion, the better shifts, or the manager’s ear, but the team suffers. Morale drops as hard workers feel overlooked. Standards slip as the flatterer prioritizes pleasing the boss over doing the job. Eventually, the restaurant itself pays the price—customers notice the decline, reviews tank, and revenue follows.

 The Cost of Shunning Merit: A Weak Leader’s Mistake

Weak leaders don’t just fall for flattery—they often shy away from team members who challenge them, even when those challenges are constructive. Marcus Aurelius would argue that this is a failure of character. A strong leader welcomes feedback, even when it stings, because it’s an opportunity to improve. But a weak leader sees feedback as a threat. They lean away from the strongest team members, whose competence and honesty make them uncomfortable, and instead surround themselves with yes-men who tell them what they want to hear.

Consider a chef whose plating is sloppy—maybe the sauce is smeared, or the garnish is uneven. A cook points it out: “Chef, this doesn’t look right; we can do better.” A strong chef would take a step back, fix the plate, and thank the cook for their honesty. They might lose a bit of face in the moment, but they gain respect by showing they’re committed to quality. A weak chef, on the other hand, might shun the cook, push the plate out anyway, and let their ego dictate the decision. Worse, they might favor the cook who flatters them instead: “Wow, Chef, that looks amazing!” That flatterer is the real problem—they’re enabling mediocrity, and the customer who gets that sloppy plate will notice.

The same dynamic plays out on the floor. A server might point out issues to a manager: “The tables aren’t being turned fast enough during the rush—we need a better system.” A good manager would listen, assess the situation, and make changes to improve efficiency. A weak manager might get defensive, cut the server’s shifts, and instead favor the server who says, “Everything’s perfect, you’re doing great!” The result? The restaurant’s service suffers, customers wait too long, and the team’s best members feel undervalued.

**Front of House: Where Flattery Meets the Customer** 

The front of house (FOH)—servers, hosts, and bartenders—is the face of your restaurant, and it’s where flattery can do some of the most visible damage. A host might flatter a manager by saying, “Your scheduling is flawless!” while consistently overbooking reservations, leaving guests frustrated at the door. A bartender might praise the manager’s “amazing leadership” during a slow shift, but fail to upsell drinks or manage the bar efficiently during a rush. These flatterers might win the manager’s favor, but they alienate customers with poor service. Meanwhile, the server who speaks up—“We need a better system for splitting checks; it’s slowing us down”—gets sidelined because their honesty makes the manager uncomfortable. That server might be the one who consistently gets the best tips, remembers regulars’ orders, and keeps the dining room humming, but a weak manager will overlook them in favor of the flatterer. The cost is immediate: a chaotic FOH leads to unhappy customers, bad reviews, and lost business. A strong manager, on the other hand, would thank the server for their input, implement a better check-splitting system, and ensure the FOH runs like a well-oiled machine. They’d also hold the host and bartender accountable, not reward their empty praise.

 Building a Strong Team: Reject Flattery, Embrace Merit

Promoting people based on flattery rather than performance is a surefire way to build a weak team. At Tired Chef LLC, we’ve seen the fallout: restaurants where flatterers rise to management roles, only to drive away talent and tank operations. The server who kisses up but can’t handle a busy shift becomes a shift lead, and the team’s morale plummets. The cook who praises the chef’s every move but burns half the orders gets promoted to sous chef, and the kitchen falls apart. Meanwhile, the hard workers—the ones who show up, do the job, and hold themselves to a high standard—either leave for better opportunities or disengage, knowing their efforts won’t be recognized.

Marcus Aurelius’s solution is simple but profound: reject flattery outright. Don’t let empty praise cloud your judgment. Instead, focus on merit. Judge your team by their actions, not their words. Does your server handle a packed dining room without breaking a sweat? Promote them. Does your cook consistently turn out perfect dishes, even under pressure? Give them more responsibility. And when someone offers constructive criticism, don’t shy away—embrace it. That cook who calls out your sloppy plating isn’t your enemy; they’re your ally in the pursuit of excellence. The server who points out issues on the floor isn’t undermining you; they’re helping you improve the customer experience.

 A Stoic Approach to Leadership in Restaurants

Running a restaurant is tough—long hours, tight margins, and constant pressure can make any leader vulnerable to flattery. It feels good to hear praise after a grueling shift. But Marcus Aurelius reminds us to stay grounded: “Don’t waste time on what others think of you, whether they’re praising or blaming you. Focus on your own purpose” (Book 3, Section 4). For a restaurant leader, that purpose is clear: deliver exceptional food and service, build a strong team, and create a space where customers want to return. Flattery doesn’t get you there—merit does.

At Tired Chef LLC, we’re committed to helping independent restaurants thrive, and that starts with strong leadership. If you’re a restaurant owner or manager, take Marcus’s warning to heart. Be wary of those who “seek to please with words” but lack substance. Surround yourself with team members who challenge you to be better, not those who tell you what you want to hear. Promote based on performance, not praise. And when you catch yourself slipping—favoring the flatterer over the hard worker—step back, reflect, and course-correct. Your restaurant, your team, and your customers deserve nothing less.